An Essay on Pets, Predilections and Cats
by Munpin
Summary: An essay is, by definition, a piece of writing that expresses the author's personal point of view. You could say that it is similar to a crack in the door to where one's inner feelings are contained. Especially when the author in question is Hikigaya Hachiman.


I sighed loudly and tapped my pen on the desk. For some reason I couldn't concentrate at all and just stared blindly in the space. Different species have different natural enemies: wolves and foxes for rabbits, lions and cheetahs for antelopes, and of course, homework for students. How come that in anime the only time a protagonist can be seen studying is when a bunch of cute girls call him over for a study session at their homes? That said, if I were a romcom protagonist, I would have ditched them anyway, leaving the stunned author with a surprise twist.

"Hikki, what's wrong?" Yuigahama stopped eating her pudding and blinked.

"Remember the essay we were told to do yesterday?"

"Ah, yeah… about animals? I've done it already. It was ultra-easy this time, no? Usually Hiratsuka-sensei takes great pains just to make us write something stiff and complicated."

Yukinoshita curiously raised her head.

"Essay about animals? Sounds like something a biology teacher would give."

"Yeah, I know! I was surprised too. She dashed out of the classroom the moment a bell rang and said, 'Write an essay on your favorite animal or something."

I yawned and sighed once again, perhaps even simultaneously. Have I raised my bad habits to a new level? Yay, the 'procrastinator' trait has been maxed!

"She does this every time after an unsuccessful date. Remember when she told us to make a research on tin cans?"

"I totally remember! I'd never written such a bizarre essay. But… you sure? I mean, lately she's been doing this thing every month or so."

"Don't think too deeply about it."

Damn it, Hiratsuka-sensei, hang in there! Someday, somewhere you'll find your happiness, even if it takes you the rest of your life. But you may consider doubling your efforts because at a monthly rate you have only about 700 tries left.

"Anyway, I'm struggling precisely because it's so easy. You always end up overthinking everything in such situations."

"I know what you mean," Yukinoshita nodded. "You can't help but wonder if you could do better, but an easy topic leaves you no options."

"Exactly."

I shook my head wildly to get rid of unnecessary thoughts and clear my mind. The only thing I achieved was a slight headache, however.

I could write about bears as I had done before in a biology essay, but… If I remember correctly, Hiratsuka-sensei was furious that time. She probably didn't like bears so much, so this idea was a no-no.

Anyway… a favorite animal, huh. What can I say about animals in general, why was their existence so beneficial for us? They taste good, at least some of them do; others are fluffy and adorable, but that's about it. Komachi is adorable as well, but in a much cuter way, I believe. Komachi obviously doesn't taste so good though, and… and I think I'll cut my thoughts here, because it was creepy and wrong even for my distorted standards.

In the end I decided to write about cats. I had Kamakura after all, and about 90% of people in our class will write about cats anyway, so Hiratsuka-sensei wouldn't even read all this crap.

And thus…

_My favorite animal: the cat._

_The cat or domestic cat (Felis catus) is a small carnivorous mammal. It is the only domesticated species in the family Felidae. The cat is either a house cat, kept as a pet; or a feral cat, freely ranging and avoiding human contact…_

No, wait, actually there was no way Hiratsuka-sensei wouldn't realize that I shamelessly copied this part from the Wikipedia. I wasn't really thrilled about the prospect of listening to one of her lectures and I was concerned that she would make me join yet another incomprehensible club. This building had quite a number of unused rooms, who knows what black-haired horrors lurked inside?

Let's rewrite it then.

_Cats. House cats are domestic animals which are widely acknowledged as one of the most popular pets in the world. Supposedly, they were first tamed thousands of years ago to help people deal with a growing rodents' problem. Some nations went as far as considering them sacred animals. It's hilarious to think that people could earnestly worship little balls of fur when they had much more meaningful pressing matters. That said, these days we worship even more ridiculous creatures, such as pop-idols and guys from TV commercials (ironically, a good number of them are halftime pop-idols), so I wouldn't say humanity made a right choice in abandoning past beliefs._

A rustling noise drew my attention. Yukinoshita turned over a page in her book. There was a cartoonish picture of a cat on the cover, as usual.

I suddenly remembered the cat ears Yuigahama made her wear when we were in the Destinyland. I would rather die than say it out loud, but they kinda suited her and I was slightly disappointed when she took them off. By the way, why exactly a female wearing cat ears was such a spectacular view, what kind of biological instinct could possibly kick in to make us feel this way?

Oh, well… let's leave these questions to scientists and return to the essay. On a side note, if there were any scientists researching the topic of catgirls I would have reconsidered my field choice.

…_Nowadays cats are extremely popular. There are a number of reasons, but the underlying factor is that they are, undoubtedly, cute. Cuteness is a force to reckon with, even from a biological point of view. In general, people have a desire to care for creatures they consider cute: think of babies, for instance. It's an evolutionary mechanism which first helped us to raise children, and then probably progressed to taking care of animals._

"Yukinon, could you make me some tea, please? The pudding was so sweet, too sweet for my taste."

"Of course."

Yukinoshita put down her book and swiftly rose from her chair. With a sway of her hair, she moved to the kettle and gently took it in her hands. The sun illuminated her slender silhouette and occasional rays found their ways through her silky hair.

…_While I agree that cats are indeed cute, I would like to stress out their other external qualities. For one, they are graceful. The way they move is extremely smooth, elegant and fascinating. I can't deny that I have limited knowledge of animals, but I've never seen a creature more refined than a cat. Take dogs, for example: the selling points are their easygoing and enthusiasm; foxes are cunning and swift, which is appealing in its own way; but a cat is a different beast altogether. If we are speaking from a purely aesthetic point of view, I can say for certain that cats are a step higher from other critters._

"… and I wrote about dogs, obviously. Sable was my model, you could say! I also threw a bunch of interesting facts to make it fun. Did you know that dogs see the world in black and white?"

"That's actually incorrect, Yuigahama-san. In fact, dogs discern much less of a color spectrum than humans, but they do see some yellow and bluish tones. It's a common misconception."

"Ehh? You sure? But the article said… Well, I'd rather believe you. Gotta rewrite that paragraph, then…"

…_Still, while external appearances and physical capabilities play an important part, I wouldn't want my views to be seen as superficial. One of the key points of cats' charm is their high intelligence. There are a number of studies that prove their excellent memory. Some people tend to think that cats are fundamentally unable to communicate properly with humans, but in my opinion cats__ just prefer not to be bothered by trivial things. Sadly, their great memory often takes a form of a double-edged sword, as cats are well known for their tendencies to hold grudges. A kitten who was once hurt by humans may be wary of them for long years._

_But what I value the most in these fascinating creatures is their independence and strong will. While cats are considered social animals by scientists, they prefer to live solitary lives. A crude pack mentality is something that cats are devoid of. They are proud lone hunters. They don't bow to an alpha male like wolves, or to your superiors like humans._

"Ah!" a high-pitched scream pierced the clubroom.

Startled, I jerked my hand and the pen flew through the air, landing on the floor near the other side of the table.

"Yuigahama, what the hell?"

"Ah, sorry, Hikki… It's just I've found pictures of really disgusting bugs. Jeez, why did they put them there? Well, I mean, I googled them myself and all, but couldn't they had put censorship or something…"

"Then why did you ev-… Whatever. Yukinoshita, could you hand me my pen? It's right next to you."

She brought a hand to her chin, pondered on my question for a while and answered with a perfect smile.

"Hmm… No. I prefer to abide by the modified 3-seconds rule."

"Modified?"

"It's about the same as the original but with an addition of Hikigaya-kun's hands."

I shrugged and took another pen out of my bag. I wanted to deal with this essay as soon as possible so I wasn't in the mood for her provocations.

Let's see…

…_Of course, any point of view should be analyzed at least from two different perspectives. My previous statements held nothing but praise, and thus I feel obliged to ruin this perfect picture. There is a solid reason why many people won't let a cat in their lives: cats are arrogant and haughty. In most cases, they pay no respect to anyone and refuse to coexist peacefully. It may stem from their solitary nature or natural pride, but I advise our respectable cat-scientists to classify cats as "mean-spirited and full-of-themselves mammals" without diving into complex psychological rationalizations._

_Not to mention they are cold, distant and unapproachable, which are unfortunate side effects of their independence. While I personally don't perceive these traits as necessarily bad, it's bad when they are unreasonable. Sadly, it's often the case with cats._

I finished writing the sentence and put down my pen, staring at the wall once again. It was probably time for a break, I couldn't think of anything else to add. Was it okay to stop on a displeased note though?

Yuigahama put down her empty cup and muttered.

"Weird… I was so sick of sweetness and yet when I washed it down with tea I suddenly wanted something sweet to drink. Guys, I'll go to a vending machine, you want anything?"

"Don't consume too many sweet things, you'll get fat," I replied.

"Geez, Hikki, could you be more tactful, please?"

Once again, I failed at a social interaction. I didn't really understand where was the line between 'tactlessness' and 'goodwill', but hey, whoever traced it made it way too thin and unperceivable!

And with these words, she was gone.

I decided to challenge myself: before Yuigahama's return, I would surely finish this questionable essay which was probably way more suited for grade schoolers than proud members of the Sobu High.

But when I took the pen…

"Mm…"

A sound of uncertainty reached my ears from across the room.

"Huh?"

I glanced at Yukinoshita, but no matter how you look, she was quietly reading her book and didn't pay any attention to me. Was I just hearing things? Or maybe it was a rumored ghost of a girl who committed suicide in this school? As far as I knew, school ghosts preferred to appear in restrooms under favor of the night, but who knows, maybe this one hated clichés.

But then she finally put down her book.

"You aren't mad, are you?"

"Mad? What are you talking about?"

"The pen, I was talking about the pen. This one," she pointed at the floor.

So that was what she implied. Truth to be told, I had already forgotten about it.

"Eh, no, not at all. What's with the sudden change of attitude?

"It's just… You went so quiet after I'd said it. You usually reply with a witty response… what you consider witty, I mean."

"Oh. No, I just was kinda distracted with my homework. Apparently, Hiratsuka-sensei wants to collect a freaking zoo out of our essays, so… yeah."

Yukinoshita's face brightened and she chuckled. Then she rose from her chair, retrieved my pen and came straight to me.

"Good then. For a second I thought you were feeling down, but your usual terrible sense of humor proved otherwise."

"Humor is subjective, I'm sure there are at least two of three weirdos in the world who share my sophisticated punchlines. Hey, if I ever meet them, we can even become friends, who knows."

"You are weird even in the eyes of weirdos."

"If weirdo thinks a weirdo is weird, doesn't it make the weirdo in question not weird?"

"A weirdo is a weirdo regardless of other weirdos' views on their collective weirdness."

"And here I thought I was done with tongue twisters back in primary school…"

She smiled and handed me the pen. Even this simple motion was filled with gentle grace.

"By the way, what are you writing about?"

"Cats."

"Cats?"

"Uh-huh."

"That's… an interesting topic. Have you fully developed a theme? If I were you, I would give special attention to the genesis of various breeds. What about their food preferences? Hunting habits? I suggest you add a few interesting facts, just for some general knowledge. Did you know that a large percent of white cats are deaf because of degeneration of the inner ear? I've always thought it was such a pity…"

Well, this reaction was to be expected, even cats probably didn't like themselves so much as Yukinoshita loved them. What was unexpected, however, is that she forgot herself and leaned toward my essay impatiently. She went as far as reaching out to the sheet of paper.

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not the type of person to refuse sharing with others or lending them my things. It's just that I don't really like it when somebody tries to get too close all of a sudden, it makes me a little uncomfortable. Normally Yukinoshita wasn't the one to behave so unceremoniously, but it seems that she became too excited for a brief moment and couldn't control herself.

That's why I reflexively grabbed her hand.

"…"

We both stared at each other in shock. Her pupils went wide and her mouth half-opened in surprise. An instant flashback of that time in the infirmary crossed my mind, but compared to it a stimulation was way stronger now because of physical contact. My mind was in a curious state: it was as blank as a white sheet, yet something that felt like a mix of adrenaline and fear rushed over me. It was an absurd, controversial feeling, which activated my fight-or-flight response, and both of its elements in the same time: I wanted to shrink as much as possible, but my instincts screamed at me to do something, anything… To act on whatever my rotten brain would suggest to me.

She was the one who broke the eye contact and pulled out her hand. I immediately came to senses and averted my gaze.

"S-sorry. I just… You were… too close, I acted on a reflex. That's…"

She didn't answer me, she didn't look at me and just silently returned to her seat. The book, her trusty companion, was once again in her hands.

Now, this was seriously terrifying. It's no surprise that a silent treatment felt a hundred times more sinister than a full-blown fight because it's only natural for a human being to fear unknown. Inability to foresee the future developments could seriously hinder our mental capabilities, and that's why I…

"It's fine."

"Huh?"

She moved her gaze somewhere across the table, but not exactly in my direction.

"The modified 3-seconds rule still applies, so… It's fine."

"…T-that so…"

"Mhm."

I couldn't come up with a way to continue this awkward dialogue, so I just took the pen in my hand and hunched over my essay. From time to time I sensed her eyes on me. All of a sudden an erratic thought flashed through my mind: _if only this annoying rule could have been at least a few seconds longer…_

I heard a fast-paced thumping in the corridor, and soon enough the door opened, revealing a happy looking Yuigahama. She walked to her seat and placed a plastic bottle on the table.

"It was the last bottle, lucky! It seems they are running out of almost all drinks for today. The only thing that nobody wants is MAX coffee, there was tons of it… Hmm? Yukinon, you alright? You look kinda… I don't know…"

"Yes, I'm perfectly okay. I just went through an unexpected turn of events in a book and got a bit emotional."

"Really? That's rare for you! Remember when we watched that sad movie about a month ago? You didn't even bat an eye, and I was totally devastated…"

Yuigahama went on and on about a thousand different topics, and eventually, Yukinoshita regained her composure and started chatting with her as usual. Good.

With this situation resolved, I could return to my essay. My heart was still beating slightly faster than usual, and I hoped to calm it down with work.

_Cats are indeed quite troublesome creatures. But sometimes the blame also lies with the owner who has failed to build a firm foundation based on trust and respect. I can assure all interested readers that it's definitely possible to find in cats such traits as honesty, kindness, and __e__mpathy (I speak from my experience, as I have a cat myself). It's a difficult task to get the cat open to you, but in my opinion, that's exactly what makes the end result worthwhile. This effect, to an extent, can be described with a term gap mo... I mean, __a contrast between anticipated and actual behavior, which results in a higher level of involvement because of certain psychological features of our minds. When you dig deeper and deeper into the ground you will eventually discover something more, whether it is an another layer of dirt or a gold vein, but a hard work betrays none, and regardless of the outcome you will be satisfied in one way or another._

_In conclusion, I would like to say that my opinion may be biased and is based on my subjective preferences. Despite some less than positives descriptions I've used in this paper, I can say without any doubt that I, Hikigaya Hachiman, like cats. I love cats._

Phew… I sighed and reeled back in the chair. One less headache to worry about.

* * *

Hiratsuka Shizuka had a bad day. Not a bad day like, 'how could such a thing happen to me', but more along the lines of, 'monthly norm of precipitation fell on my head in one go'. Nothing new, but lately she couldn't help but wonder if someday she will eventually be completely flooded by the damned rain.

"Everyone, transform and roll out. Transformation in a boring adult is now complete. Gosh…"

She stretched in her chair and yawned. Alright, she worked hard enough today and deserved a well-earned rest. The last thing that she had to do was to go through a bunch of essays of class 2-F.

"What did I tell them to do, anyway? Ahh, an essay on animals. Hmm, I should probably stop giving them these strange topics, right? Surrendering to your emotions is so unteacherlike."

She drew a stack of sheets from the cabinet and dumped them on a table with a loud thud. Then she took an unlit cigarette in her mouth, just to feel more comfortable.

"Let's see… What do we have here. Cats. Cats. Cats. Dogs. Cats. Hamsters. Cats. Cats. Cats. Cats. Oh, capybaras… trying to be original here, Sagami?... Cats. Cats. Dogs. Cats."

She rolled her eyes. What was she trying to achieve with this assignment, collect a freaking zoo out of their essays?

"What's next… Huh? Giraffes, really, Yamato? Lame. Cats, cats… Hmm?"

Familiar handwriting caught her eye. Yes, she wasn't mistaken: a name 'Hikigaya Hachiman' was written in the top left corner.

"He chose cats too? I expected him to be more original."

She gave it some thought and decided to check his essay first.

"…"

After a few minutes of reading, she reached the final words of the paper.

"Strange. Something is… something is off, definitely. His unique writing style is more or less the same, but there is more to it… What is it? Are you playing some kind of game with me again, Hikigaya?"

She stared at the single sheet of paper some more time, but in the end couldn't make head or tail of it. And yet she was absolutely, positively sure that something was amiss.

"Hmm… Maybe… No, unlikely…"

She decided to light the cigarette and puffed out a small cloud of smoke.

"…Well, whatever. I guess I'll just make him rewrite all of this just to be sure."

Hiratsuka Shizuka grinned. It was a guilty pleasure of a teacher, one of the reasons why she was quite okay with her job despite many hardships.

* * *

**End Note:**

**Oh my, what do we have here? Yet another fluff, how unexpected of me.  
*****Sigh***

**As usual, please don't hesitate to point out any mistakes, be them grammatical, spelling or plot-related.**


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